In relationships, it’s easy for something as fundamental as sleep to become a silent grudge between partners. The concept of “bedroom divorce” captures not only the drift that can occur when couples have mismatched sleeping patterns but also the potential to establish creative sleeping arrangements that are often not spoken about.
You look over at the clock on the wall and see it’s 10 p.m. and think, “Oh no, here we go again.” It’s the time that you typically want to start winding down and getting ready for bed so that you can get restful sleep and start tomorrow with a fresh outlook. You glance at your partner and see that they’re getting ready to start another episode of that TV show they like on whatever streaming service it’s on. You know that you can go to bed whenever you want, as can your partner, but when they come to bed hours after you, it can disrupt your sleep, even waking you up. Then you lie awake while they drift off to sleep, and you toss and turn. If you ask them to come to bed when you want to, they are wide awake, tossing and turning, and don’t get restful sleep. And so, the cycle of poor sleep, communication, and intimacy rolls on, leading many couples to consider a bedroom divorce.
There’s the fantasy of TV couples lying in bed together watching a movie or reading, and there’s a moment they both know to look at one another, turn off the lights while cuddling, and blissfully fall asleep. When our relationship doesn’t mimic this, it can be frustrating, leaving you wondering, “Why can’t that be us?” Pointing fingers typically start at this point with, “Well, if you would just…” And the cycle continues.
It’s not uncommon for partners to find themselves on different sleep schedules, whether due to work demands, different sleep needs, sleep disturbances, or natural night owl vs. early bird tendencies. When this happens, it can strain intimacy and connection. Reports indicate that 60% of couples sleep in the same bed, and more than half of those couples report needing more sleep, increased daily fatigue, and a decrease in overall life satisfaction. With open communication and a bit of creativity, you can bridge the sleep gap and keep your relationship strong. Here are some tips to navigate this challenge and work towards keeping or even increasing intimacy when practicing a bedroom divorce.
- Open the Lines of Communication The first step in any decision within a relationship is communication. Address the differences noticed in sleep patterns with your partner. Share and own your feelings about how this impacts you overall. Is it causing chronic tiredness? Resentment? Struggles to be close even when lying in the same bed? Are there any direct behaviors or sleeping patterns that you find particularly challenging? Be honest and willing to accept feedback, and validate your partner’s feelings in return. Just as you have feelings about this, they will too. This conversation should be about finding solutions, not assigning blame.
- Address Myths about a Bedroom Divorce There are many feelings and opinions about this topic. The biggest myth is that a bedroom divorce will lead to an actual divorce. Address this and any other myths about what a bedroom divorce is and why you are considering this as an option.
- Understand Each Person’s Sleep Needs People’s sleep needs and patterns can be influenced by various factors such as age, health, lifestyle, personality, natural sleep rhythms, and sleep disturbances/diagnoses. Take some time to understand why your partner sleeps the way they do. For example, a night owl might struggle to fall asleep early due to their body’s natural circadian rhythm. Conversely, an early bird might find it difficult to stay up late. Telling someone to just change how they sleep isn’t very easy to do. Understanding these differences can foster empathy and compassion with one another and help you work together to find compromises.
- Create a Flexible Routine and Designate Times for Intimacy Rather than adhering to a rigid sleep schedule, explore flexible routines that accommodate both partners. If one of you needs to go to bed early, establish a pre-sleep ritual that you can both enjoy together. For instance, you might have a nightly routine of reading together, discussing your day before one of you heads to bed, or watching a program together. Maybe it’s about sharing a cup of coffee in the morning together. These rituals and routines help increase overall connectedness if you are not sharing a bed or a bedroom. Having a routine or designated times for intimacy can also assist with accountability about time together if both partners agree and discuss these plans. Intimacy and connectedness isn’t just about physical connection. It’s about time closeness and emotional closeness as well.
- Explore New Ways to Connect If a shared bedtime isn’t feasible, find new ways to connect. For instance, consider:
- Morning and Night Rituals
- Weekend Getaways or Staycations: Spend time together on weekends or days off to reconnect.
- Daily Messages: Leave sweet notes or texts for your partner to find when they wake up.
- Scheduled Date Night Out and Date Night In: Take turns scheduling a date night at an interval you are both comfortable with. Get creative. Going to the movies can be a great date night out. A movie night in, where you pick a meal to cook and pick out each other’s favorite snacks, can be just as special, if not more.
- Optimize Your Sleep Environment If you both want to sleep at the same time but struggle due to different needs, consider creating a sleep environment that works for both of you. For instance, using a white noise machine can help mask disturbances, and investing in a high-quality mattress and pillows tailored to your comfort needs can improve your overall sleep quality. If sleeping at the same time or in the same room doesn’t work, create feasible spaces for each of you. Make it your own to help increase healthy sleep habits.
- Celebrate Your Connection Lastly, remember that intimacy is built on connection, not just proximity. Celebrate the ways you connect outside of sleep and recognize that every relationship has its unique challenges. By approaching the situation with understanding and creativity, you can strengthen your bond despite differing sleep patterns.
Remember that any new change in a relationship requires patience and effort, but it’s entirely possible to maintain and even enhance intimacy by having a bedroom divorce. By communicating openly, understanding each other’s needs, and creating new routines, you can ensure that your relationship remains strong and fulfilling.
