Early in my career, I thought imposter syndrome was something only professionals experienced—something connected to their training or expertise. I believed it was about feeling like you didn’t know as much as others in similar positions or that needing to “double-check your work” meant you weren’t competent. That, eventually, someone would discover you were a fraud and expose the truth. I thought I was alone in this battle.
But I wasn’t just struggling with imposter syndrome in my career—I felt the same way in my personal life. At any moment, I feared my partner, friends, or family would see the real me. Not the carefully crafted version I present to avoid judgment. But me. The me who sings off-key and makes up words to songs because I don’t know the lyrics. The me who feels deeply and can cry at a moment’s notice, or who gets so overstimulated in social situations that I either talk too much about myself, forgetting to ask about others, or sit in silence, coming off as standoffish.
The more I opened up about this, the more I realized others felt the same—in their jobs, relationships, parenting—basically in every area of life. It made me wonder: are we all imposters and frauds walking around? Or did no one ever teach us how to manage this thing called life?
When I work with a mother in therapy who’s processing a divorce and questioning whether she’s a good mom, I always pause to ask: Where did she get that idea? Who told her she wasn’t enough? Can’t she see all that she does? All the things she consistently reports managing for her kids? I ask myself, What does she believe a good mom looks like? What would that person do or say? Maybe none of us were taught what these roles truly mean—and now we’re all walking around feeling like imposters.
So, what is imposter syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is the persistent feeling of self-doubt and inadequacy, especially in the face of success. People experiencing it often believe they don’t deserve their accomplishments, attributing them to luck, timing, or external factors rather than their own abilities. Even with evidence of success, they continue to feel like frauds, afraid others will eventually “find out” they’re not as competent as they seem.
But how do we succeed in a space where self-doubt, perfectionism, burnout, and the dismissal of our own achievements are so common?
1. Validate the feelings.
While we don’t want to label this mindset as “normal,” it is incredibly common—especially during life transitions like becoming a parent, starting a new job, moving, dating, or making new friends. It’s something our human brains tend to do, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Separate facts from feelings.
It’s easy to confuse feelings with facts. We often think, If I feel this way, it must be true. But feelings are not facts. And even more confusing—feelings are not always the same as thoughts, and many of our thoughts aren’t rooted in reality either.
Recognize when that feeling of inadequacy shows up. What thoughts are you telling yourself in those moments? Acknowledging your capabilities—even when your thoughts are full of doubt—is the first step toward grounding yourself in truth.
Example: Failing a test doesn’t make you stupid. Think of all the tests you’ve passed before. One test is not a full measure of your intelligence.
3. Challenge your inner critic.
I often refer to this negative voice as a part of me—not all of me. I’m not “all bad” or “all good.” I’m not just positive or negative. These are parts of me, and naming them helps. Learn to question the negative self-talk. Look for real evidence of your strengths—not just the moments when things didn’t go as planned.
4. Talk to yourself like someone you love.
Not every thought you have is true—and many of them aren’t kind either. Try speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. Would you call your friend stupid for failing a test? Doubt it. Would you tell them they “should’ve known better” after a breakup? Probably not. So why say these things to yourself?
5. Celebrate your wins.
People struggling with imposter syndrome often skip over celebrating successes. They move straight to the next task or goal. But no matter how big or small, take time to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments. This helps reinforce the truth: you made this happen, not luck.
Track these wins—write them down, take pictures, keep reminders. That way, you can revisit them when you’re doubting yourself.
6. Let people in.
Talk to trusted friends or family about what you’re experiencing. Sharing your thoughts and successes with others can help you feel less alone and more understood. It also opens the door to receive honest feedback and affirmations about who you really are. When we let others into our inner world, we invite compassion—not just from others, but toward ourselves too.
